My nagging question

For the past 2 months, I've had a question perpetually on the surface of my mind. I can't get rid of it. In my quiet moments of peace, the question rises. It's disconcerting. It disturbs a sense of silence and placidity.

"What does it mean to live a life of significance?"

Some of the people I've phrased this question to are very skeptical because as christians we aren't supposed to be living for ourselves and to make our name known. But I feel my question isn't in conflict with humility. I feel like as Christians we are called to make a difference in Christ's name, but I can't figure out what that looks like. You have Paul who made a difference through vocal evangelism and leadership. You have people like Ruth who pretty much made a difference because she had a kid. And then there are priscilla and acquilla who worked--who made a difference through their normal, ordinary occupation. The practical side of faith: to take care of the orphans and the widows. The oppressed. It seems like leading a life of significance looks different to everyone.

So my question is... what does it look like for me? How can I best live my life so that I have no regrets at the end of it all?

"While the bombardment was knocking the trench to pieces at Fossalta, he lay very flat and sweated and prayed oh jesus christ get me out of here. Dear jesus please get me out. Christ please please please christ. If you'll only keep me from getting killed I'll do anything you say. I believe in you and I'll tell every one in the world that you are the only one that matters. Please please dear jesus. The shelling moved further up the line. We went to work on the trench and in the morning the sun came up and the day was hot and muggy and cheerful and quiet. The next night back at Mestre he did not tell the girl he went upstairs with at the Vill Rossa about Jesus. And he never told anybody."

-Hemingway

the sun's out. I can see the mountains from my little coffee shop that has become my second home (its probably 100 yds from my apartment and has free wireless while I have no internet at my apt.). It's a stereotypical gorgeous day here in Denver. Honestly, I don't think Colorado knows what yucky weather looks like. There have been maybe 2 overcast days here all summer. And when it thunderstorms, it rains for maybe 20 minutes and then the sky is blue.



But there's a piece of me that craves the overcast, rainy day where I sit cozy at home wrapped in a blanket or curled up in bed with my school books. I remember the same sentiments when I came home from India. I was in Nebraska on my way back to Ohio and I sat in this random coffee shop, sipping coffee as it poured outside--it felt like home. I'm strange I know.



But this train of thought pulled my mind back to India. It sort of feels like a dream. It sort of feels like some story that I read somewhere one time--I can remember the main points of the story, but it feels like someone else's adventure. It's getting hard to remember the squeltering heat, the intensity of accidentally chomping on a chili pepper, and the noise of 11 million people. I know it factually, but I have to be deliberate about remembering. And then it's even more difficult to remember the horror stories, the reality of the situation there. Occassionally I have a great conversation that keeps me from ignoring that truth, and I need those conversations. I can't afford to lose that year of my life to apathy. It's funny how easily apathy comes, though--how intentional one has to be in warding it off. It's amazing how easy it is to slip in a routine and live as if you don't know better. This is sadly a lesson that I have to be taught an embarrassing number of times.

The theme of the summer: Mountains

So I'm pretty delayed on reflecting on my summer. The first, say, 3 weeks were CRAZY. But now life has calmed down significantly. I mean, I actually have a life, which is saying something.

Two of my favorite girls after our last neuro exam :)

But lets start with the very beginning. The day after my last exam of my first year of medical school (YES I passed my first year, and am officially an M2) I headed to Colorado. I should clarify that I obviously celebrated on Friday night and didn't get to sleep untill late. And then was wide awake at 5am (unintentionally, seeing as it was my first day of summer). Then drove something like 15 hours. My brother came with me, as he's always wanted to visit Denver. So we hung out here for a few days, then flew back to Ohio together (I basically needed to drop my car off so it would be here when I got back from Ecuador).-- (pictures from my day adventuring at Pike's Peak-Rocky Mountains)


From there, I drove with 96 of the Chapel's finest down to Gatlinburg, TN. It was gorgeous and an incredible conference. Well... I pretty much enjoyed being surrounded by Christians, the leader bonding and getting to know the students! Waterfall in the Smoky Mountains

I had been trying desperately for the previous month to "get my life together" and "figure stuff out." To get back to a place where I thought I should be and have my life look like I always imagined it would look. It was a pretty painful few weeks, as a couple of my dear friends can attest. But something switched when we were in Tennessee. Not that I have my life together now, or anything. But I actually felt peace. I gained a security to enjoy the journey instead of stressing about where I felt I should be, or where people expected me to be. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like myself again. I could elaborate on this, but will spare you.

Now Ecuador. Or, in honor of my previous trip there: Ecu-ador. We were only in country for a few days, which is a new experience for me. But the students were phenomenal. They stepped up and made the most of every second. I was incredibly proud of them. I could talk a lot about the work we did while we were down there. But instead I want to discuss the difference of being a leader. Going along with my strange few months prior to leaving, I was nervous about functioning in a leader capacity. But it went shockingly smoothly, and I'm excited about the relationships that opened up while I was there and can't wait to continue investing in them when I get back to Ohio. View from one of our work-sites: Andes Mountains

the difference.

hour 53 of being at school since Monday....

Obviously my mind starts going after awhile, so I'm going to record my contemplations for the two dear friends who read this :)

I decided to listen to a music CD that my old youth pastor had put together of Spanish songs--all in preparation for Ecuador. I listened to these same tracts when I was 16 and 17 years old getting ready to embark on some of my first international experiences. For some reason, as it played in the background, I flashed back to the perspective I had on life during my high school days. I remembered what I thought my life would look like, what I thought I wanted in life, and who I thought I'd become.

And here, right now, as I sit in a silent library I don't feel like I'm the person that 17 year old girl imagined I'd be. I went from a 'calling overseas' to a passion for policy and politics. I went from having my entire social circle as Christians, to having only a small core group of Christian friends. The image I had of "my type" of guy has become jaded. My priorities and perspectives on life have shifted. I've lost my naivety and am comfortable in situations that caused me unmeasurable stress 4 years ago.

It hasn't been that long, but why have I changed that much? And what's going to keep me from migrating further from my goals and passions in life? What will keep me grounded and where do I draw the line?

All this begs the question: "Am I compromising what I really desired, or am I finally starting to realize where I should be going in life instead of living in a path of expectations?"

My first half-marathon

Saturday's Ecuador Team Training. The lawn in front of the church. 16 of us with 16 pipes. And 5 marbles to transfer through the pipe to the little pink bowl 100 yards away. The goal? 100% team work. As the exercise progressed and we finally realized that we can bring the pink bowl to the marble instead of the other way around, the new question was "what does teamwork look like? does 100% teamwork mean 100% involvement?" In the end, just 4 members of the team were actually involved in the task while the rest of us cheered them on. Did we have 100% teamwork questioned one of the students.

Sunday morning. 7AM. Cleveland, OH. Probably 6,000 people running through the streets of Cleveland as we navigated a half or whole marathon. "Running is an individual sport" I was told in high school, "not a team event." but there they were. Hundreds of friends and family members lining the streets and turns of the routes, screaming encouragement, waving signs, and clanging their cowbells. "Run, [insert your name], Run" read one sign. And I promptly refocused and increased my pace. "Stay focused! You can do this!" screamed a random stranger in my direction. And I focused. and I ran. I don't know these people and they don't know me, but their encouragement and excitement kept my legs moving when I just wanted to walk. Our natural reaction as humans is to downplay the importance of those in a support position. "Why aren't you the one running?" would be the reaction. But it never is. As we finished the 12th mile, my friend commented, "If only these people were out every day, I could run more all the time!"

If only we, in the church, encouraged each other and cheered each other on every day, then we could accomplish more for him.

beauty in the tedious

I have spent a ridiculous amount of time the last 3 weeks learning every bump on this brain (you think it's all random, but no, they all have names!) and every function of every one of those bumps. Every nuclei in the brainstem and the pathways of the cranial nerves through those nuclei and back up to the brain and down to control movement and sensation. And I was frustrated and bored beyond belief. I couldn't learn it and I couldn't see the big picture and I was pretty much just angry at the brain. Come on, WHY does it have to be so complicated?

Yesterday, however, I was laying in bed trying to will myself to get up so I could commence my marathon study day. As I laid there going in and out of consciousness between snoozed alarms, it hit me. I remembered why I loved medical school, and undergrad and all my crazy science classes. Somehow this spring I forgot how lucky I am. I get to spend every day for the rest of my life studying and appreciating the intricacies of God's creation.

That "blob" of gray matter is a sea of intricate pathways of creation that allow me to be me and you to be you. A non-descript and frustratingly detailed system is beautiful. And all those stupid nuclei that I've been killing myself to remember, are the reason that I am breathing and moving and thinking and relating.

I've noticed this trend in Christianity to make everything ambiguous in the name of spirituality (speaking of which, did you know that the nuclei that is responsible for speech and swallowing is your Nucleus Ambiguus?). We like big pictures and general concepts and ideals and not to get into the nitty gritty details. But when I think about how God created, he didn't create in ambiguous concepts--the reason we're alive is because of his precision and order. How should this impact how we seek God and how we study his word?

This never ceases to amaze me, and thankfully serves and a reminder of why I'm in the field I'm in and keeps me from entering too far into the cynicism that my hermit-lifestyle starts to produce.

Patience.

and the answer is in..... I'll be in Denver for the summer!!!!!!!!

So... considering I got an email last week telling me my chance at getting this research position was basically zero, I've had a disappointing week. Wondering where to go from here, what to do, and dreading the awful, soul killing possibility of spending the summer in Ohio. And then, as I set in class today, compulsively checking my email, a subject heading "MSTAR UCLA" popped in my inbox. I've been accepted into the UCLA research program (geriatrics) and my worksite is in Denver, Colorado! Umm... considering I have some dearly loved friends there and thought it would be cool to live there, I'm pretty stoked :)

I guess things just work out sometimes.

apathy.

To start, I know the irony that I'm commenting on this through the internet.

Is facebook the replacement for activism? Every day I get a "cause invitation." What does that mean? Does it mean you care, or do something about the cause? Does it mean you are involved or active or even know what you're supposedly "supporting"? I postulate that it's an apathetic approach to change in order to avoid having to do any work or risk anything. I think it's the lazy-man's way to feel better about oneself and to look better on paper without necessitating active involvement. Call this harsh, if you wish.

Politics Politics

Who knew that I'd fall in love with politics and policy??

I spent an incredibly long (in a good way :) ) 48 hours in Washington D.C. Sun/Mon. I went with 5 other students to AMA's Lobby Day. Here are the 4 of us girls that drove down Sunday morning!
We went sight-seeing through the whole mall in an hour and a half. You should be impressed.


And then we met up with Reshmi and Brent and after walking around the city for a couple of hours, went to see the Declaration of Independence and Constitution. Which was sweet. And the middle-schoolers behind me were furious about how illegible the perfect calligraphy was. It made me laugh :)
After a ton of meetings, we went out for like a half hour with other AMAers. and Rathna and Brent decided to dance on the bar. For approximately 10 seconds. Note: both were completely sober :)
Then walked to Georgetown and saw the Kennedy Center. This is where our Nation's President was at the very time this picture was taken. So, we basically saw the President :)
Now that all the important stuff is out of the way :) The whole point of this weekend was to educate medical students and residents on how to lobby for healthcare related issues. Considering this is now President Obama's priority, it was a cool weekend to be there. We had different politicians and lobbyist etc. come and speak about lobbying and about healthcare reform. Then we went and lobbied. My first appointment was with Representative Sutton's (my district's Rep) staffer. It was actually quite enjoyable after I got over my initial jitters. Since I was the only one at Lobby Day from my district, I was by myself. But It was a good intro to lobbying and the political process for me. I also met with Senator Brown's staffer (along with several other Ohioans). Plus a tour of the supreme court and random networking with other medical students and residents. It was an incredibly exhilarating, yet exhausting weekend. And it piqued my interest in politics even more.

This is all 6 of us after the meetings with the senators.

I wouldn't wish back college...

Today I gave tours for high school students applying to the BS/MD program at my school. They'll get their B.S. in 2-3 years, and then matriculate to good old NEOUCOM. My first tour was unique--I had two students with no families. When parents are around, the kids just walk silently and don't ask questions and just seem terrified. but the tour really was us walking in a circle talking about the college decision. I don't know why I love talking through decisions with people, but it was refreshing to be able to give students information that will actually help them make a decision--not to sell them on a school, but to talk them through what is best for them. One guy made the point "So basically, you endure college for medical school?" While this wasn't at all the point I wanted to convey, and quickly re-directed the conversation. But it had an ounce of truth. Even as I've been hanging out and studying more at University of Akron, I've realized how much I really don't miss undergrad. In reality, the coursework was easier. But there was a level of drama that doesn't hold up in med school. The disjointed interests and classes were more stressful that the exponentially more difficult material I've had in the last 6 months. I finally feel like I have some continuity and 'harmony' in my life.

I've also come to the question "What would I do with myself if I didn't have so much studying to do?" Given, I had 15 months with no school and I fared tolerably well :) But I can't imagine my life without a perpetual and complete learning. I can't imagine a time in my life where I'll be content with what I know and what I understand. I desire to be well rounded and have a variety of interests, and I think i'm managing this pretty well, but more than anything I love being challenged and pushed to the core of my being. To be presented with a challenge and rising to meet it gives me a thrill that is unparalleled.

just a reminder....

On my left hand I wear a ring. I've worn it since my senior year in high school. Maybe you've seen it and not thought anything of it. But to me, it's my reminder that I'm called to live for something bigger than myself. Four years ago it meant something entirely different than it means to me now. At the time, it was my commitment to serve God overseas. And it's incredible to know that I've kept this commitment. At the time, my little 17 year old self thought it would mean living overseas for the rest of my life, but it looks different now. Don't get me wrong, if God calls me, I'll go, but I've learned a lot about myself and about what God has in store for me in the last few years. I've learned that my strengths are strongest here in America. And that there's so much work for me to do here and in this place. In my culture and in my society. In my country and my government.

Even though my dream has shifted, I still wear the ring. It reminds me of my responsibility and my passion. It reminds me of where I've been and where I'm going. I got this ring during a missions trip my senior year to Quito, Ecuador. It was a cheap little ring-- it symbolized a shift to a focus outside of myself. I wish I could say that I'm less selfish than I was when I was 17. But that wouldn't be honest. But I do see the world so differently than I did then. I've learned to see people and situations and circumstances for more than face value. I've learned to ask the question of "why" someone is doing that particular thing. I've learned to care about the big picture more than my tiny microcosm.

That time I spent in Ecuador catalyzed a pivotal shift in my perspective. It seems surreal that I'll be returning. That I'll get to walk through the transition that this will have on many students' lives as it did with my own. And it definitely already has stimulated my own thoughts regarding how far I've come since I was a student on the 'same' trip. I fell in love with the world on that trip. I fell in love with watching God work. I fell in love with community and fellowship. I'm praying that the students going this year will be able to have even a fraction of the amazing-ness. Even a fraction would be life-changing.

Happy List.

1. I got TWO packages in the mail of books I ordered. I love new books, and I love getting mail.
   
2. it's gorgeous outside and I'm going to go on a run in 2 hours.
3. only two more weeks of biochem.
   
4. What we're learning is crazy interesting!
5. In 2.5 and 3.5 weeks respectively, I'll be at conferences in Dayton and DC.
6. This summer I'll be far away from Akron.
   
7. I can see grass. and wear a t-shirt without freezing.
   
8. Sunday is tapestry for my discipleship group.
   
9. My ILT group at school (of 20 people) is almost completely filled with hard workers.
   
10. I'm having to squint at the screen because of the glare from the SUN!!! (yes, the weather is a really big deal after the several feet of snow we've had in the last couple of months.)
    

who I want to be

Have you ever met someone, even briefly, that makes you think "I want to be like that." There's this phenomenal woman that I met when I was in India. Relatively speaking, I hardly know her. But she mentored two of my fellow-interns, and the team she led semi-adopted me. She had this unique way of encouraging. I couldn't put my finger on it then, and for the life of me, I can't now. I saw her again briefly when I was in Nebraska last spring and had the same impression. Whether it was in her manner, or her personality, or what, I don't know. But I want to be like that. To leave the impression on everyone I meet that they have value and are understood and have value. To have wisdom treasured up, and to speak easily with people as to instill trust from the start. I realize how far I am from this goal. I realize how short I fall in this arena, but I so desire to be like that. To learn what it means to be a graceful woman of God.

P.S. The nicest people in the world are from Nebraska :) Despite the fact that they have more cows than people in their state, I think I'd be happy to live there some day!

I wonder

so curious about where I'll end up spending my summer. Boston, LA, Colorado, Tennessee, New York... I just can't stop wondering. Too bad I won't know for another 2 months.

doctors.

Today I had my first PACE (Primary and Ambulatory Care Experience). I will spend time over the next 3 years with an assigned Family Practice doctor, and I went for the first time today. The first time the doctor handed me a chart and told me to go and interview the patient, I felt myself freaking out. I'm so used to shadowing in high school and college where you sit in the corner and watch with summaries and explanations before and after each patient. I was amazed at the difference a white coat makes (symbolically, not essentially). get to interact with patients and talk with them as an authority that they'll divulge private information--all the while knowing nothing.

All fall I practiced interviewing and physical skills. And did pretty well at it. But I should clarify that all my patients were fake, "standardized" patients that were given a script of information and that we were videotaped watching. but,walking into the first room of the first real patient, I felt inadequate and nervous. I'm SO used to not really knowing what I'm doing, that it's crazy to realize that I'm acquiring skills. I can hardly believe that I'm a year and a half away from having my life be at the hospital. I have so much left to learn. So much. I can't imagine ever being able to handle these conversations competently. While I still can't follow all the medication lists and interactions, I can follow disease and anatomy. And lab results are looking less and less foreign to me.

But oh, it's exciting and overwhelming all at once.

alma mater

Tonight I made the journey to my old high school. The place where I spent 6 years of my life. They were six good years, too. For some reason, it took me awhile to re-enter that part of my life. I think for awhile I was embarrassed of the person I was back then--of the bubble I lived in, or my naivety...and I don't know what else. But, time heals and I've come to terms with my journey, and gotten over myself.

Tonight, I pulled into a parking lot I've pulled in probably 2000 times. I went into a building that I spent the majority of my teens in. I felt the pressure to be grown up slip from my shoulders. It was strangely like coming home. I talked to a old friend who's known me since seventh grade and we were discussing what happens to us in college. We determined that we don't really "change." I'm the same person I was when I was 16 years old. At the core of my being, I'm still "Susan." But I've grown up. I've matured. I sat in the bleachers and couldn't help to think that I have no regrets.. When I first started college, I think I regretted who I was in junior high and high school. But in reality, I had to be there in order to be who I was in college. I had to be who I was in college in order to be who I was in India. And I was who I was in India in order to be who I am now. What's to regret in that?