the difference.

hour 53 of being at school since Monday....

Obviously my mind starts going after awhile, so I'm going to record my contemplations for the two dear friends who read this :)

I decided to listen to a music CD that my old youth pastor had put together of Spanish songs--all in preparation for Ecuador. I listened to these same tracts when I was 16 and 17 years old getting ready to embark on some of my first international experiences. For some reason, as it played in the background, I flashed back to the perspective I had on life during my high school days. I remembered what I thought my life would look like, what I thought I wanted in life, and who I thought I'd become.

And here, right now, as I sit in a silent library I don't feel like I'm the person that 17 year old girl imagined I'd be. I went from a 'calling overseas' to a passion for policy and politics. I went from having my entire social circle as Christians, to having only a small core group of Christian friends. The image I had of "my type" of guy has become jaded. My priorities and perspectives on life have shifted. I've lost my naivety and am comfortable in situations that caused me unmeasurable stress 4 years ago.

It hasn't been that long, but why have I changed that much? And what's going to keep me from migrating further from my goals and passions in life? What will keep me grounded and where do I draw the line?

All this begs the question: "Am I compromising what I really desired, or am I finally starting to realize where I should be going in life instead of living in a path of expectations?"

My first half-marathon

Saturday's Ecuador Team Training. The lawn in front of the church. 16 of us with 16 pipes. And 5 marbles to transfer through the pipe to the little pink bowl 100 yards away. The goal? 100% team work. As the exercise progressed and we finally realized that we can bring the pink bowl to the marble instead of the other way around, the new question was "what does teamwork look like? does 100% teamwork mean 100% involvement?" In the end, just 4 members of the team were actually involved in the task while the rest of us cheered them on. Did we have 100% teamwork questioned one of the students.

Sunday morning. 7AM. Cleveland, OH. Probably 6,000 people running through the streets of Cleveland as we navigated a half or whole marathon. "Running is an individual sport" I was told in high school, "not a team event." but there they were. Hundreds of friends and family members lining the streets and turns of the routes, screaming encouragement, waving signs, and clanging their cowbells. "Run, [insert your name], Run" read one sign. And I promptly refocused and increased my pace. "Stay focused! You can do this!" screamed a random stranger in my direction. And I focused. and I ran. I don't know these people and they don't know me, but their encouragement and excitement kept my legs moving when I just wanted to walk. Our natural reaction as humans is to downplay the importance of those in a support position. "Why aren't you the one running?" would be the reaction. But it never is. As we finished the 12th mile, my friend commented, "If only these people were out every day, I could run more all the time!"

If only we, in the church, encouraged each other and cheered each other on every day, then we could accomplish more for him.

beauty in the tedious

I have spent a ridiculous amount of time the last 3 weeks learning every bump on this brain (you think it's all random, but no, they all have names!) and every function of every one of those bumps. Every nuclei in the brainstem and the pathways of the cranial nerves through those nuclei and back up to the brain and down to control movement and sensation. And I was frustrated and bored beyond belief. I couldn't learn it and I couldn't see the big picture and I was pretty much just angry at the brain. Come on, WHY does it have to be so complicated?

Yesterday, however, I was laying in bed trying to will myself to get up so I could commence my marathon study day. As I laid there going in and out of consciousness between snoozed alarms, it hit me. I remembered why I loved medical school, and undergrad and all my crazy science classes. Somehow this spring I forgot how lucky I am. I get to spend every day for the rest of my life studying and appreciating the intricacies of God's creation.

That "blob" of gray matter is a sea of intricate pathways of creation that allow me to be me and you to be you. A non-descript and frustratingly detailed system is beautiful. And all those stupid nuclei that I've been killing myself to remember, are the reason that I am breathing and moving and thinking and relating.

I've noticed this trend in Christianity to make everything ambiguous in the name of spirituality (speaking of which, did you know that the nuclei that is responsible for speech and swallowing is your Nucleus Ambiguus?). We like big pictures and general concepts and ideals and not to get into the nitty gritty details. But when I think about how God created, he didn't create in ambiguous concepts--the reason we're alive is because of his precision and order. How should this impact how we seek God and how we study his word?

This never ceases to amaze me, and thankfully serves and a reminder of why I'm in the field I'm in and keeps me from entering too far into the cynicism that my hermit-lifestyle starts to produce.