Since this blog is mostly for myself anyways, I feel like I need to save this devo that was sent to my inbox mere days after the previous post. Who can accuse God of not knowing what we need to hear.

Be Perfect, therefore, As your Heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:48

Bob sat across from me at our monthly McDonald’s breakfast time together. We saw each other almost daily, rushing past each other in the hospital, but this was our scheduled time to be friends. He was struggling with an issue in his life.

“I was raised to do everything well. That got me through medical school and it has worked well to build my practice. But I’m dropping all kind of balls lately. I have a patient I was working up for back pain. Before I could get the tests done, he was paralyzed from a cord compression, a cancer in his spine. I have another patient with a mammogram that was positive; the report was lost and I didn’t see it for three months. She was not at all happy. I missed my daughter’s gymnastic competition because an emergency came in. I feel like I’m failing everywhere.” I answered him the best way I knew how, “So, you want to be perfect, like me?”

As doctors we are hardwired to be achievers. God placed within us the character to do our best, to get things right---for His glory and for mankind’s benefit. As doctors, mothers, fathers, spouses, church members, we are called by God to excellence; and we expect that from ourselves. But sometimes we carry that expectation too far. Sometimes we expect perfection from our efforts and make perfect performance into an idol. If we choose to do so, at some point that idol will topple over on us and cause us great pain, for we will never be perfect in this life.

There is a clear distinction between excellence and perfection. Excellence is measured by great effort. Perfection is measured by results. God cares about our effort but He does not expect perfect results. When Jesus calls us to be perfect in Matthew 5:48, He is not asking for perfect results; He is calling us toward wholehearted devotion to our Father in heaven. He wants us to do all things well for His glory (Col 3:23), to pour ourselves out in sacrificial service. He wants us to serve Him with our very best, but He expects for us to leave the results to Him (Phil 1:6).

We are called by God to strive for excellence by remaining well read and well skilled, by disciplining ourselves to do our best with each patient and with our families. God smiles on us when we pour ourselves out to serve Him with our best in all areas of our lives. But as we do, we must continually hand the results of these efforts back to Him. Only He knows how to use them well to write His story of redemption.

never good enough

Perfectionists. The sad breed of humanity that feeds off of affirmation and action-oriented accomplishments. What drives these people to such a self-torturing lifestyle? Why the need to prove themselves? Why the need to control? I guess I should acknowledge the good in perfectionists. They're hard working, determined, motivated, disciplined and reliable. But they can't just let things be.

Group projects are the bane of their existence. "Just scraping by" isn't an option and inevitably they become the "mother" of the group emailing about deadlines, tracking people down and making sure everything gets done. All the while thinking to themselves "I could get this done SO much faster by myself."

I'm glad to say that my perfectionism has softened in the years of medical school (..and college...) I've learned to delegate, to rely more on my leadership than on my compulsion to do everything myself. I've learned that perfection is unattainable in a class of 115 of the brightest students. I've learned that I will never be able to learn everything that I need to know. I've learned the impossibility of knowing everything and being the best and being perfect. More than that, I've learned that I don't want to be perfect. I want to make mistakes in my life. I want to be stupid occassionally. To screw up. To have to admit that I'm human. To risk rejection. To really truly allow people to love me for who I am instead of loving me for the perfect image of myself that I try to project.

But every once in a while the perfectionist inside me gets the best of me, leaving me frustrated, discouraged and insecure. Knowing that as an M2 (2nd year med student) I should have certain competencies and I still feel incompetent. That I still can't do an effective physical exam with any level of confidence of what I'm trying to find. That I still get awkward when taking histories and get nervous and embarrassed in front of my attendings. That I can't remember diseases and criteria that i learned weeks ago. That my brain is just to small and my skills are too limited. The feelings of inadequacy flood over me and plague me with self-doubt and insecurity.