beyond me

It's something I just don't understand in myself. Like I look at my life from the outside and want to grab my shoulders and shake them forcefully as if to shake sense into my own head. It's never been this way before where logic doesn't rule my thoughts and emotions. And I can't make up my mind how far to let it go. The swirling loss of control, the excitement of acting out of character and the anticipated arrival of brokenness all crash down into chaos and confusion. But in a twisted way the chaos has begun to feel like home and the confusion has become where I reside instead of a place that I fear.