never good enough

Perfectionists. The sad breed of humanity that feeds off of affirmation and action-oriented accomplishments. What drives these people to such a self-torturing lifestyle? Why the need to prove themselves? Why the need to control? I guess I should acknowledge the good in perfectionists. They're hard working, determined, motivated, disciplined and reliable. But they can't just let things be.

Group projects are the bane of their existence. "Just scraping by" isn't an option and inevitably they become the "mother" of the group emailing about deadlines, tracking people down and making sure everything gets done. All the while thinking to themselves "I could get this done SO much faster by myself."

I'm glad to say that my perfectionism has softened in the years of medical school (..and college...) I've learned to delegate, to rely more on my leadership than on my compulsion to do everything myself. I've learned that perfection is unattainable in a class of 115 of the brightest students. I've learned that I will never be able to learn everything that I need to know. I've learned the impossibility of knowing everything and being the best and being perfect. More than that, I've learned that I don't want to be perfect. I want to make mistakes in my life. I want to be stupid occassionally. To screw up. To have to admit that I'm human. To risk rejection. To really truly allow people to love me for who I am instead of loving me for the perfect image of myself that I try to project.

But every once in a while the perfectionist inside me gets the best of me, leaving me frustrated, discouraged and insecure. Knowing that as an M2 (2nd year med student) I should have certain competencies and I still feel incompetent. That I still can't do an effective physical exam with any level of confidence of what I'm trying to find. That I still get awkward when taking histories and get nervous and embarrassed in front of my attendings. That I can't remember diseases and criteria that i learned weeks ago. That my brain is just to small and my skills are too limited. The feelings of inadequacy flood over me and plague me with self-doubt and insecurity.