My nagging question

For the past 2 months, I've had a question perpetually on the surface of my mind. I can't get rid of it. In my quiet moments of peace, the question rises. It's disconcerting. It disturbs a sense of silence and placidity.

"What does it mean to live a life of significance?"

Some of the people I've phrased this question to are very skeptical because as christians we aren't supposed to be living for ourselves and to make our name known. But I feel my question isn't in conflict with humility. I feel like as Christians we are called to make a difference in Christ's name, but I can't figure out what that looks like. You have Paul who made a difference through vocal evangelism and leadership. You have people like Ruth who pretty much made a difference because she had a kid. And then there are priscilla and acquilla who worked--who made a difference through their normal, ordinary occupation. The practical side of faith: to take care of the orphans and the widows. The oppressed. It seems like leading a life of significance looks different to everyone.

So my question is... what does it look like for me? How can I best live my life so that I have no regrets at the end of it all?

"While the bombardment was knocking the trench to pieces at Fossalta, he lay very flat and sweated and prayed oh jesus christ get me out of here. Dear jesus please get me out. Christ please please please christ. If you'll only keep me from getting killed I'll do anything you say. I believe in you and I'll tell every one in the world that you are the only one that matters. Please please dear jesus. The shelling moved further up the line. We went to work on the trench and in the morning the sun came up and the day was hot and muggy and cheerful and quiet. The next night back at Mestre he did not tell the girl he went upstairs with at the Vill Rossa about Jesus. And he never told anybody."

-Hemingway

the difference.

hour 53 of being at school since Monday....

Obviously my mind starts going after awhile, so I'm going to record my contemplations for the two dear friends who read this :)

I decided to listen to a music CD that my old youth pastor had put together of Spanish songs--all in preparation for Ecuador. I listened to these same tracts when I was 16 and 17 years old getting ready to embark on some of my first international experiences. For some reason, as it played in the background, I flashed back to the perspective I had on life during my high school days. I remembered what I thought my life would look like, what I thought I wanted in life, and who I thought I'd become.

And here, right now, as I sit in a silent library I don't feel like I'm the person that 17 year old girl imagined I'd be. I went from a 'calling overseas' to a passion for policy and politics. I went from having my entire social circle as Christians, to having only a small core group of Christian friends. The image I had of "my type" of guy has become jaded. My priorities and perspectives on life have shifted. I've lost my naivety and am comfortable in situations that caused me unmeasurable stress 4 years ago.

It hasn't been that long, but why have I changed that much? And what's going to keep me from migrating further from my goals and passions in life? What will keep me grounded and where do I draw the line?

All this begs the question: "Am I compromising what I really desired, or am I finally starting to realize where I should be going in life instead of living in a path of expectations?"

My first half-marathon

Saturday's Ecuador Team Training. The lawn in front of the church. 16 of us with 16 pipes. And 5 marbles to transfer through the pipe to the little pink bowl 100 yards away. The goal? 100% team work. As the exercise progressed and we finally realized that we can bring the pink bowl to the marble instead of the other way around, the new question was "what does teamwork look like? does 100% teamwork mean 100% involvement?" In the end, just 4 members of the team were actually involved in the task while the rest of us cheered them on. Did we have 100% teamwork questioned one of the students.

Sunday morning. 7AM. Cleveland, OH. Probably 6,000 people running through the streets of Cleveland as we navigated a half or whole marathon. "Running is an individual sport" I was told in high school, "not a team event." but there they were. Hundreds of friends and family members lining the streets and turns of the routes, screaming encouragement, waving signs, and clanging their cowbells. "Run, [insert your name], Run" read one sign. And I promptly refocused and increased my pace. "Stay focused! You can do this!" screamed a random stranger in my direction. And I focused. and I ran. I don't know these people and they don't know me, but their encouragement and excitement kept my legs moving when I just wanted to walk. Our natural reaction as humans is to downplay the importance of those in a support position. "Why aren't you the one running?" would be the reaction. But it never is. As we finished the 12th mile, my friend commented, "If only these people were out every day, I could run more all the time!"

If only we, in the church, encouraged each other and cheered each other on every day, then we could accomplish more for him.

who I want to be

Have you ever met someone, even briefly, that makes you think "I want to be like that." There's this phenomenal woman that I met when I was in India. Relatively speaking, I hardly know her. But she mentored two of my fellow-interns, and the team she led semi-adopted me. She had this unique way of encouraging. I couldn't put my finger on it then, and for the life of me, I can't now. I saw her again briefly when I was in Nebraska last spring and had the same impression. Whether it was in her manner, or her personality, or what, I don't know. But I want to be like that. To leave the impression on everyone I meet that they have value and are understood and have value. To have wisdom treasured up, and to speak easily with people as to instill trust from the start. I realize how far I am from this goal. I realize how short I fall in this arena, but I so desire to be like that. To learn what it means to be a graceful woman of God.

P.S. The nicest people in the world are from Nebraska :) Despite the fact that they have more cows than people in their state, I think I'd be happy to live there some day!

Some Goals.

What do I want to do in the next 5 years?

-finish Medical School
-Residency in some cool city (I'll try not to be unreasonably picky)
-Ireland with the cousins
-Run a half Marathon

What do I want to do in the next year?
-Orchestra Concert in Cleveland and/or Blossom
-Go to an Art Museum
-A rural health experience
-At least one roadtrip every 4 months (to Chicago, Boston, Washington DC, or New York)
-Read 5 fun books