dove promise. and other random reflections

I love dove chocolate. I really do. And I love the cheesy little sayings on the wrappers. I went on a 5 mile run this morning and obviously the first thing I did when I got home was to have chocolate :) The wrapper read "What would you try if you knew you could not fail?"

This is the second time that this question has surfaced in the past year and it's one that sticks with me. I've realized that I'm a human dictated by fear and timidity much of the time. I live in indecision because i don't want to risk making the wrong choice. The main criticism from my last rotation was that I needed to be more confident and assertive. I'm trying hard to take the risk of saying something wrong or stupid. To push myself to put myself on the line. I know I need to do that in order to be a good doctor, but for some reason I'm petrified of looking stupid. Thursday night when I was on call, I tried to be decisive, to be assertive, to not freak out when the resident handed the phone to me to give report to the attending at 2am. To give my opinion even when I knew it was wrong. I feel/hope it will facilitate better learning and adequately prepare me to be a decisive, confident physician who my patients can trust.

So in light of this new goal in my life, I once again ask the question "What would I try if I knew I couldn't fail?" What does my dream life look like? Is it policy, international medicine, working with youth? Is it something grand, or is it something that'll be a piece of the puzzle? Do I not attempt because I fear failure or because I'm overwhelmed by the possibility?

I miss India. I miss the dreams that it inspired in me. The goals and direction that it gave my life. I want to go back to that focus, that direction, that intentionality. "You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, I told him, like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.” Reading Lolita in Tehran. It describes my transition exactly. I miss the flexibility in my life, but also the intentionality and discipline that were present in my relationships, my quiet times, my exercise and my reading. How do I bring those pieces of me into my busy and distracted life here in the states?