6 months ago

Journal entry from 6 months ago, sitting in Hyderabad airport waiting to fly home.

"There's some finality about an airport. Something ominous and cold that I feel as I pull my carryon behind me, my purse hanging under my arm with a cup of coffee in my hand. As cold as I feel, there's an excitement of pending adventure. 34 travel adventures later, I feel more confident and more like I belong at the airport. I've stopped having nightmares about missing flihts. But this time, the feeling of excitement is almost nothing. I feel alone. Isolated. Small. I'm fully aware that I look more comfortable flying now than I ever have. But I feel like a little child. A scared little kid who's lost and misplace and alone. From today on, no one will ever fully understand me. From today on, there won't be the unspoken communication of frustration. From now on, I'll have to explain myself an dbe completely torn between lives. When I was here, I knew I was going back to the place my heart ached for. This time, I know better. I'm ready to leave, but I know that this trip signifies everything changing.

The moon looks like the s mile of the Cheshire cat. Or a hammock. I can't seem to make up my mind about which. I said goodby to my city tonight. I smelled th elast of the stale urine, and Ramesh told me to make th most of the sewage stench, seeing as I wouldn't have it at home. I had the last traffic experience. I was in the busyness of the city one last time. And the power went off 3 times in my last hour on campus as if to say goodbye. I had my last cup of dessert tea, walked my last lap, and waved to the last excited Indian child on the street. This phase of my life is done."